Say what now?

Peace. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and started to thinking… Why am I struggling to lose weight??? I started to make a list. (1) To be healthier: Well… I’m pretty healthy. I exercise regularly (and that’s not new), I’m a long term vegetarian. I eat a lot of fresh produce and have adjusted my lifestyle so that I am rarely tempted by processed foods. I can hang physically with chicks half my age. I don’t have any health issues. (2) To wear stylish clothes: Well… I have a closet full of clothes that fit me and are stylish. Seriously. I don’t have room for all my clothes. I work and sew most of my clothes. If there is something I see I want, if I can’t afford it, then I can make it. A lot of things I make I could afford to purchase, but I know I can make it and I enjoy sewing, so I do. I only buy things that are either cheaper to buy or I just don’t feel comfortable sewing like, undergarments. And I make slips and camis. So….. (3) To pass an arbitrary number on the scale: I think this is one of the biggest reasons I’m always on a diet. The scale. If I remained the exact same size, but the number on the scale was to my liking, I’d be cool. (4) Male Attention: I have a man. And I don’t have a problem getting male attention. Precise did say once to me, that he was more attracted me in a smaller frame. But the feminist in me fights with myself. I shouldn’t want to lose weight because of a man’s opinion. But his opinion does matter. Last week a high school classmate posted a group picture on Facebook that included me. I was struck with the youth but also that I didn't look overweight. My mother used to tell me all the time that I could be so attractive if only I could lose *insert amount* pounds. Took me a minute to realize I wasn't overweight. I wasn't thin. I was curvy for my age. I looked attractive, normal and healthy. My mother thinks one can never be too thin or light
. She even wished an eating disorder on me. Well she got her wish. I got body dysmorphia thanks to her. And I do plant the blame for that squarely on her shoulders because I was young, dependent on her and she was my mother! She shouldn't have made me feel like a piece of shit. So tell me again why I’m struggling to lose weight???? Well no more. I’m going to focus on fitness and achieving my goals. Being the best me I can be and remaining healthy. And if you don’t like my body… That’s a personal problem. I don’t have anything to do with that. Peace.

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