Who is Gonna Lift Me?
One of my New Year’s resolutions for 2010 was to not pay attention to my weight this year. Meaning…. No dieting for the entire year. Embracing the 6 sextillion tons that is the Earth Serenity. On face value that may seem like an easy goal; but I work my diets like part time jobs. And still I am not the weight the weight I’d like to be. Or at least think I would like to be. Frankly, at this juncture, I have no idea what weight I should be. And I know all that constant on and off dieting that I have done since I was 14 has screwed up my metabolism royally. So…. I have decided to be bold and grown enough to through off the shackles of ideal weight and just focus on health.
Okay… Protocol having been established…. How is it working out for me?
You would think I would happy as a pig in shit. I’m not. I have been paralyzed with fear and loathing since the beginning of the year. The last time I threw off all dieting shackles I gained so much weight and so quickly that when I got married I had to buy the largest dress they had and have it let out on both sides 4 inches. Yeesh. I blew up and NOBODY told me. That situation was abnormal, though. The back story was that I had been on a severely restrictive diet to get into the Air Force for over a year. I did all kinds of drastic things to get within the weight range fasting, purging, trick-dieting, diet pills, excessive exercise, water tricks, you name it…. And it worked but it screwed my metabolism up. (Btw… I got within the weight range but my boobs were/are too big. Why didn’t the damn recruiter tell me that one? ) When I didn’t get in to the military, I stopped all the craziness I had been doing and like a rubber band I gained all the weigh back plus 50lbs. I started dating my late husband and we romanced over food. Insanity.
I lost a significant amount of weight without trying when my husband died. I did nothing to lose that weight. I just laid down and didn’t get up for a few months. Boom! The weight just slipped off. I suppose it also helped that I didn’t eat much during this time for I had no appetite. Once I started coming back to my own self, I wanted to keep the momentum rolling. So I joined Weight Watchers and the obsessiveness returned. And now it’s got to be too much. Hence the resolution.
How is it going? Hmmm…. Hard to say. I have not gotten on the scale since December 2009. I had hoped no scale equals no obsessing. I still obsess. But I can tell it’s not as bad as it has been. It’s hard too. I usually manipulate my menses to lose 5 or so pounds. When my cycle approaches if I can fast for a few of those hungry days and not rebound when I go back to eating then I can lose 5 lbs. Unfortunately that makes the cramping more painful and you find me rolled in a little ball crying. I used to combat this with alcohol, but I kind of stopped drinking and was feeling that all raw. And if I lose 5lbs, I find it before the next cycle comes. Now when said cycle comes, I eat normally. Not excessively but normally and I find they are not as painful. Who knew?
Another thing I was good for doing… and if you know me in the physical you can testify... If I knew of someone who had an illness that carried a fever with it, I would actively try to catch it. A fever means an increase in metabolism. Yeah you feel like shit for a minute but the weight loss is worth it. Oooohhhh…. And a stomach virus is the absolute best because you cannot eat and still have a fever. I can lose a good 15lbs behind the right stomach virus. I will still go to work. I try to infect the boss. By the time I’m getting better they are getting sick and work is great when the boss is sick. And damn the Tylenol. I don’t keep it in the house. If I have a fever I want to ride it till the wheels fall off. I know this sounds crazy. Sounds like I have an eating disorder. It is reading crazy to me, but it is how I roll… or used to roll. I’m off this foolishness for a year.
I don’t think in the last 2 months I have lost it and gained weight. I have noticed if I want something I eat it. Not overboard, but If I want to go overboard I do that too. Just not every day. I have noticed my tendency to over do it has dropped. I guess knowing that I can eat an entire big bar of chocolate without feeling guilty about it keeps me from eating an entire big bar of chocolate. When I was dieting I used to stalk meals. I would want to eat something that wasn’t on the diet, so I would eat very little all day and then when I got home I would just break lose. I don’t do that anymore. If I want something I eat it. I have found that by not dieting keeps me from eating the used-to-be-contraband a lot less. Also, I used to force fast on Tuesdays. Meaning every Tuesday I would refrain from eating for 24 hours. I’d eat like a Viking Monday’s and Wednesdays. And be absolutely miserable on Tuesdays, all day. In retrospect that really wasn’t all that helpful. But you can’t see that in the trenches.
I don’t believe I have gained any weight. I say that because after two months I can still fit into all my clothes. Some clothes actually seem to be a bit loose, but I think that is my mind playing tricks on me. No one has said, “You look like you have been losing weight.” I feel mentally better. Meaning I can think about other things rather than eating. And I have noticed on days where I’m not working, I forget that its time to eat until I’m hungry. And then, I eat just enough to not be hungry. I’m not stalking food. Also, I’m not binging. It’s not girls scout cookie season quite yet, but I can gut an entire box of thin mints in 5 minutes. And a BIG bag (the $3 size) of dill pickle chips in 15. The heavy vinegar hurts my tongue and holds my time down. I can eat a whole can of Pringles in 3 minutes. I ain’t proud, but it is reality. Not being concerned about my weight has me acting to what I perceive as normal. Is this how thin people feel?
I have a question for the thin … never been on a diet, or had a significant amount of weight to lose… people out there…. How do y’all eat?
Peace
Okay… Protocol having been established…. How is it working out for me?
You would think I would happy as a pig in shit. I’m not. I have been paralyzed with fear and loathing since the beginning of the year. The last time I threw off all dieting shackles I gained so much weight and so quickly that when I got married I had to buy the largest dress they had and have it let out on both sides 4 inches. Yeesh. I blew up and NOBODY told me. That situation was abnormal, though. The back story was that I had been on a severely restrictive diet to get into the Air Force for over a year. I did all kinds of drastic things to get within the weight range fasting, purging, trick-dieting, diet pills, excessive exercise, water tricks, you name it…. And it worked but it screwed my metabolism up. (Btw… I got within the weight range but my boobs were/are too big. Why didn’t the damn recruiter tell me that one? ) When I didn’t get in to the military, I stopped all the craziness I had been doing and like a rubber band I gained all the weigh back plus 50lbs. I started dating my late husband and we romanced over food. Insanity.
I lost a significant amount of weight without trying when my husband died. I did nothing to lose that weight. I just laid down and didn’t get up for a few months. Boom! The weight just slipped off. I suppose it also helped that I didn’t eat much during this time for I had no appetite. Once I started coming back to my own self, I wanted to keep the momentum rolling. So I joined Weight Watchers and the obsessiveness returned. And now it’s got to be too much. Hence the resolution.
How is it going? Hmmm…. Hard to say. I have not gotten on the scale since December 2009. I had hoped no scale equals no obsessing. I still obsess. But I can tell it’s not as bad as it has been. It’s hard too. I usually manipulate my menses to lose 5 or so pounds. When my cycle approaches if I can fast for a few of those hungry days and not rebound when I go back to eating then I can lose 5 lbs. Unfortunately that makes the cramping more painful and you find me rolled in a little ball crying. I used to combat this with alcohol, but I kind of stopped drinking and was feeling that all raw. And if I lose 5lbs, I find it before the next cycle comes. Now when said cycle comes, I eat normally. Not excessively but normally and I find they are not as painful. Who knew?
Another thing I was good for doing… and if you know me in the physical you can testify... If I knew of someone who had an illness that carried a fever with it, I would actively try to catch it. A fever means an increase in metabolism. Yeah you feel like shit for a minute but the weight loss is worth it. Oooohhhh…. And a stomach virus is the absolute best because you cannot eat and still have a fever. I can lose a good 15lbs behind the right stomach virus. I will still go to work. I try to infect the boss. By the time I’m getting better they are getting sick and work is great when the boss is sick. And damn the Tylenol. I don’t keep it in the house. If I have a fever I want to ride it till the wheels fall off. I know this sounds crazy. Sounds like I have an eating disorder. It is reading crazy to me, but it is how I roll… or used to roll. I’m off this foolishness for a year.
I don’t think in the last 2 months I have lost it and gained weight. I have noticed if I want something I eat it. Not overboard, but If I want to go overboard I do that too. Just not every day. I have noticed my tendency to over do it has dropped. I guess knowing that I can eat an entire big bar of chocolate without feeling guilty about it keeps me from eating an entire big bar of chocolate. When I was dieting I used to stalk meals. I would want to eat something that wasn’t on the diet, so I would eat very little all day and then when I got home I would just break lose. I don’t do that anymore. If I want something I eat it. I have found that by not dieting keeps me from eating the used-to-be-contraband a lot less. Also, I used to force fast on Tuesdays. Meaning every Tuesday I would refrain from eating for 24 hours. I’d eat like a Viking Monday’s and Wednesdays. And be absolutely miserable on Tuesdays, all day. In retrospect that really wasn’t all that helpful. But you can’t see that in the trenches.
I don’t believe I have gained any weight. I say that because after two months I can still fit into all my clothes. Some clothes actually seem to be a bit loose, but I think that is my mind playing tricks on me. No one has said, “You look like you have been losing weight.” I feel mentally better. Meaning I can think about other things rather than eating. And I have noticed on days where I’m not working, I forget that its time to eat until I’m hungry. And then, I eat just enough to not be hungry. I’m not stalking food. Also, I’m not binging. It’s not girls scout cookie season quite yet, but I can gut an entire box of thin mints in 5 minutes. And a BIG bag (the $3 size) of dill pickle chips in 15. The heavy vinegar hurts my tongue and holds my time down. I can eat a whole can of Pringles in 3 minutes. I ain’t proud, but it is reality. Not being concerned about my weight has me acting to what I perceive as normal. Is this how thin people feel?
I have a question for the thin … never been on a diet, or had a significant amount of weight to lose… people out there…. How do y’all eat?
Peace
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